Coffee-holics Anonymous

I can barely function past 10am without a few cups of coffee. Coffee was discovered so that people like me can wake up early in the morning without harming or injuring others (and ourselves). I didn't consider myself as a coffee-addict until I 'tried' to cut down my intake. This didn't work out well, just ask all the friends and family I terrorized during my caffiene-deprived state. 



The longest I've been without coffee is two days, I couldn't make it any further...the anxiety and neurosis set in and I had horrifying hallucinations that all the world's coffee trees were extinct. Then there was the falling asleep at random times during the day; like during a work presentation, which I was giving. So I decided not to put myself in such jeopardy again and refueled on my life's elixir.



If you're wondering whether you're also a coffee-holic, here are a few signs that I have found to help you find out. 



Signs That You're a Coffee-holic

• You can jumpstart your car without cables.


• You watch DVD's in fast forward.


• You never speak in complete sentences.


• You can type 80 words per minute with a coffee cup in one hand.


• Your doctor needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.


• You speak so fast, even 'The Chipmunks' don't understand what you're saying.


• You walk 5km on the treadmill before realizing it's not on.


• One shot of expresso and other people get dizzy watching you.


• When you call into radio stations, the presenter asks you to turn yourself down.


• Nescafe has named a blend after you.


• Your personal first aid kit contains two liters of coffee and an I.V hookup.


• You answer the door before people knock.


• You think CPR stands for 'Coffee Provides Resuscitation'.


• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.


• You're so wired, you pick up 5FM.


• At your local cafe, your coffee is made before you even order.


• The only reason you go to sleep is so that you can wake up to the smell of coffee.


• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 


• Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.


• Walking makes you nervous. Sleeping makes you nervous. Actually, everything makes you nervous.


• You drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.


• Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
  
  

They say that sleep is sign of coffee depravation, which means I need to go make myself another cup...Ciao for now ;)

The Wonders of My World

• It is said that many inventions are created by accident. If this is true, I have 'invented' the coffee scented handbag, by accidentally dropping an entire cup of expresso across a table and onto my LV Bellevue handbag. The bag is slightly ruined but it does smell delicious.


• I don't get why some people use sweeteners instead of sugar in their drinks to 'cut calories' - but then have a giant slice of chocolate ganache cake with their tea or coffee. What is the logic behind this?


• My neighbour seems to moonlights as a DJ, blaring Kurt Darren, Katy Perry, Roxette and Tiesto from his professionally loud stereo. He hosts rowdy parties every Monday to Thursday. It must be a Small Town thing - drunken partying on work nights and peaceful, sobered up weekends.


• I don't have a sweet tooth, but after hearing great reviews about the Lindt Chocolate Brownies at Melrose Arch, my BFF and I decided to try it out. We were served three huge pieces of stale dry brownies, smothered in a warm dark chocolate sauce, served with a scoop of not-so-nice vanilla ice-cream. I could only endure one spoonful, it was ridiculously rich to the point of nausea. My chocolate quota for the year is up.


• The creator of The Vampire Diaries, L.J Smith, has written her last book in this popular series, called 'The Return - Midnight'. This is the final installment in The Return trilogy. Expect an extremely interesting twist for Damon and a hellish rescue mission for Elena and Stephan. Buy your copy online from Amazon.


• I really need to learn the art of using chopsticks properly. People are starting to stare (not in a good way) at my misuse of these ancient Chinese utensils.


• Whoever said that women are the best multi-taskers has not met me yet. I can't type and talk at the same time. I can barely even walk and talk at the same, in fear of striding straight into a lamppost. 


• If your mascara dries out, the last thing you should do is try to melt it in the microwave. (I know, I should have known better, but I did it anyway). It will explode and you will have to buy a new tube of Maybelline and a new microwave.


• Your true friends will gladly spend 75 cents to send you an sms and won't pressurize you to buy a Blackberry just so that they can chat to you for free. Yup, I am still on my Anti-BB Campaign.


• If you live in KZN, you can read my interview in the April issue of Get It magazine. This is a great community based publication featuring best fashion and beauty buys, décor and recipe ideas, interesting personalities and exciting places to visit. I would like to thank the magazine editor, Rachel Thomas for taking the time to drive up and meet with me and Danica for taking the photographs.

The Wonders Of My World

• I really need to stop buying things just because they're pink. Sometimes it's just not functional nor smart and turns out to be completely useless. But it is oh so pretty.


• Thank you to everyone who has invited me onto WhatsApp. Sadly, I cannot get this application on my 'smartphone', as apparently, it is not smart enough. But it is pink.


• It's possible to watch P.S I Love You for the 300th time and still get teary-eyed. Although it's the saddest movie I've seen, I don't think I will ever tire of watching it.


• Expresso should be labelled as either a) A drug b) Food poisoning or c) The secret to staying awake for eternity.


• It isn't fair to judge someone on a bad decision they've made, unless every single decision you've made in your own life was the right one.


• It's easier to buy a firearm than a memory card in South Africa. Purchasing a Micro SD card from a well-known franchise required me to place a special order through a glass window, pass several security checks and pay for it at a separate part of the store, then return with the stamped receipt to receive my card. I then had to leave my name, number, ID, address, blood type, next of kin, etc with the sales lady (who tried to dissuade me from buying it in the first place). When I tried to leave the store with my newly-bought card, the security alarm went off and all the shoppers turned to look at me like I was a Lindsay kleptomaniac Lohan (so embarrassing). Finally, the security guard cleared my purchase and I was free to go. Needless to say, I won't be showing my face around there for a long time.


• Buy the March 2011 issue of South African Elle and receive a free L'oréal Glam Shine lipgloss (my ultimate fav). You won't find any copies left in Small Town, SA, 'cause I've cleared out the stands. 


• If someone doesn't pick up their phone after the 10th ring, it probably means that they're very busy, unavailable or they just don't want to speak to you. Either way, after the first 5 failed attempts, you should really just stop calling.


• In an attempt to reduce my caffeine intake, I decided to try decaffeinated coffee. In Small Town, SA, there are only two types of decaf brands available. One that tastes like coffee-flavoured sand, and another that's slightly worse - decaffeinated gravel.


• I am really not a violent person, but the next time someone starts chatting away while I'm watching The Vampire Diaries, I will have to stab them with a spoon. You have been warned.

Love Coffee Talk

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